


Reverse mpreg

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, M/M, Mpreg, assbabies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:44:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3508775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Selatcia/Seth with reverse mpreg. 3 things I don’t fucking write, so you already know this is gonna be a disaster.  Enjoy the disaster?<br/>Warnings: Prison bitch jokes, character death, terribly named experts, mutant assbabies</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reverse mpreg

Selatcia glided down the hall to door #0U812, the special cell for special guests. Crozier’s team had bagged a certain Seth off the coast of Australia and he was now securely imprisoned. Not bothering to knock (it was his fucking jail) Selatcia entered the room.  
It looked like a nice motel room, but he already knew that since he’d designed the fucking thing. Seth was sprawled on the bed naked, watching tv.

Shuddering at the thought of Seth cooties on his bedspread, Selatcia made a mental note to remember to buy strawberries when they were in season. In a Bruce Almighty [clothes removing motion](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m686efCVrQ1rwcc6bo1_500.gif) (yeah picture it) he was then naked as well. “Seth,” he announced in his deep and ominous voice, “I am threatening you with buttsex.”

To his great surprise, Seth just laughed and beckoned him closer. “Well then git over here, big boy!”  
Selatcia cocked his head way too far. “This idea is not repugnant to you?” It was supposed to be, after all. Maybe he was losing his ~~erection~~ touch? (Nope, erection was fine.)  
“Naw dood, I’ve been to prison. Yer not Big D, but you’ll do. Damn, it took me a whole week ta seduce that motherfucker, then I was his best bitch ever! But I gotta warn ya, sometimes I dream I’m an octopus frahm Mars that wears lipstick on Thursdays.”

Realizing he would need to contact yet _another_ expert later on to sort this all out, Selatcia boomed, “I WILL FUCK YOU NOW. I WILL NOT WAIT.”  
“Yer the one who’s holdin’ things up, git on with it ya big homo!” Seth stuck his ass in the air and wiggled it. “But don’t say I didn’t warn ya!”  
Seeing no threat from the puny human, Selatcia jumped right in. The skinny fucker wasn’t kidding about being experienced, that was obvious. The harder he fucked him the more he seemed to like it. This just wouldn’t do!

Unfortunately for Seth, Selatcia had neglected to mention the part where he transformed into a twenty foot tall lightning shooting monster at the moment of orgasm. Seth... Well Seth pretty much exploded. The bedspread had way more problems than cooties now, in fact it was pretty much ruined.  
Selatcia also had more problems, but he didn’t know that yet.

*****

Two weeks later, it was clear that his new morning ritual of puking lightning wasn’t going away, and they were quickly running out of toilets, so he commanded Orlaag to locate a suitable expert.  
They gathered in the usual dreary ominous room to hear what the guy had to say. “This is male pregnancy expert Dr. Stawpputtinthangsupyerbutt,” Orlaag introduced the short and badly dressed man.  
“So,” Dr. Stawpputtinthangsupyerbutt began, “I hear you fucked a certain Seth? Hmm, I believe I know what’s happening here. See, if you have sex with Seth you get pregnant, no matter how said sex went down. I suggest abortion, if we can figure out how.”  
Selatcia noticed that Dr. Stawpputtinthangsupyerbutt was wearing tan shoes with pink shoelaces. It wasn’t a good look. The guy was probably crazy, with the polkadots and all he had going on there. “I will wait.”

*****

A package arrived 3.14 weeks later, Orlaag delivered it to his room. “It seems that Pickles has learned of his brother’s demise. He has sent you a gift.”  
Selatcia opened it to find a Dethklok hoodie, size 23XXXXXL and flame retardant. How thoughtful! Due to how moody he was currently feeling, this caused him to paint a picture of dancing daises on the ceiling.  
Orlaag slowly and carefully backed out of the room, dude had gone completely batshit obviously.

There was only one thing to do, call another expert! They were easy to find, you just looked up whatever you wanted an expert on. Dr. Iseeyagonnahavassbabies arrived promptly. He dressed more normally than Dr. Stawpputtinthangsupyerbutt, so that was probably a good sign. It took an additional half hour to get Selatcia to come out of his room and hear the poor guy though, and when he finally assumed his throne, he just glared down on them all. Crozier was away on business (lucky bastard) so Orlaag was stuck with handling the boss.

Dr. Iseeyagonnahavassbabies winked at Selatcia. “Your ass, in it monsters I see. Have them soon you will. I know, says I. Two for one Tuesdays, Sonic has. Laden swallow, airspeed I know. Oh, and has them soon, you will. Already said that, I did.”  
“Thank you Dr. Iseeyagonnahavassbabies, “Orlaag began, but then Selatcia zapped the dude dead because he was feeling way too hormonal for this shit.  
“I’m going back to my room. DON’T DISTURB ME.” Selatcia glided off.

*****

When the clock struck soon, the sounds began. Orlaag and Crozier (who had returned) clung to each other like frightened school children who had just been told that Santa killed their families and the Easter Bunny helped. Don’t disturb him, he’d said, so they didn’t dare open the door but the sounds behind it were terrible.  
Suddenly, “I’M SHITTING SQUIDS THIS IS NOT MANLY MAKE IT STOP!” There was a tiny moment of silence, but only a tiny one. “OH FUCK AND THEY CAN FLY!”

Orlaag and Crozier shared a look of extreme horror and silently crept back down the hall. This situation was beyond anything they’d prepared for and they wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening. A quick call to a travel agent and they were on a plane to Tahiti, problem solved. Or solved until the master’s flying squid assbabies found them and ate their faces off, which would likely be unpleasant.  
But until then, vacation time! Fuck the system, baby!

*****

Back in his room Selatcia had armed himself with a tennis racket and a can of Raid. The creepy things were fast, but he was slowly destroying them. Of course he’d tried zapping them first, but that only made them ink everywhere so that wasn’t an acceptable plan. A bit of further experimenting had led to the discovery that screaming lyrics from “Baby Got Back” made them slower and easier to kill, so that’s what he was doing. “I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!” *whack, spray* “YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN’T DENY!” Another one down, only... how fucking many of these things were there anyway?

*****

Since what happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti, and they were likely going to be dead soon, Orlaag and Crozier decided to get married. Because nobody wants to die alone, right? And nobody wondered why Orlaag was wearing a full length fur coat on a tropical beach, so marriage should be a breeze. But then they got distracted by a coconut named Fred who was dancing in the shade, Fred was dancing on a stair, all they could do was stare, they had sand in their underwear, Crozier doesn’t have much hair.

But Fred was really just a regular coconut that probably didn’t have a name and they were just drunk as shit, and very soon passed out right there on the beach. Some helpful tourists piled palm fronds over them for shade. This was good because they were both rather fair, on the parts they’d dared to bare, and you know, they would’ve gotten a serious sunburn most likely.  
But so far they hadn’t been eaten by squids, which was good for them.

*****

“MY HOMEBOYS TRIED TO WARN ME!” Selatcia was tennis racketing his way through the ass babies, Raiding them as they fell. He was making good progress, but he couldn’t stop yet, not while they were any still flying around the room inking inconveniently! “BUT THAT BUTT YOU GOT MAKES M-M-ME SO HORNY!”  
He needed a new can of Raid but he had a few so that was all good. Well, for him anyway, it was very not good for the assbabies.

Many verses later (that song has a lot of fucking words, which was good in this case) he was down to the last few and his last can of Raid. “SO COSMO SAYS YOU’RE FAT!” There went another, he was doing well. “WELL I AIN’T DOWN WITH THAT!”  
He noticed the damn squid assbabies had little grinning Seth mouths, how the fuck had this even happened? To _him_ of all people?! He swatted another of the abominations, and sprayed the fuck out of it.

“SO LADIES IF THE BUTT IS ROUND!” Only one left now, but it was a tricky one! He was trying to corner it. “AND YOU WANT A TRIPLE-X THROWDOWN!” He had to hurry, he was almost out of song! “BABY GOT BACK!” He smacked it to the floor. “BABY GOT BACK!” He sprayed it with raid.  
It was over, he had defeated his own ass or whatever. If Seth had still been alive, he would have vowed to never fuck him again but that wasn’t an option. 

Tired, sore-assed, and high on Raid fumes, Selatcia ventured from his room to discover that there was no one at all around. Those fucking pussies had run out on him, well he’d deal with them later. Dr. Whenyerminionsrunaway could probably advise him...  
He perched gingerly on his throne, wishing he had a cantaloupe and a talking chicken, but he lacked those. There was no one to serve him anyway.  
SO HE WOULD WAIT.


End file.
